Saturday, March 27, 2010

Failing as a follower

At school yesterday I got angry. That happens. That's human.

But I acted on it.

A troublesome student pushed all the right buttons, and I responded harshly, saying things to her that I know I should not. I reacted in anger.

There is too much anger in me. I have not given it over to God. I have not asked for the healing I need.

The fact that my spiritual life has been out of whack for more than a month now does not help. Had I been praying, had I been more consistent, maybe I wouldn't have spoken the way I did. I would have been more open to God's help and strength.

But I haven't been. I wasn't open. I failed.

Pax et bonum


Do Not Be Anxious said...

Lee, your blog title and subtitle tell a lot about the problem you post here. You are a follower of Francis, in formation. You are changing.
Perhaps a glance at my blog's post today may help you ( It's an email I sent out to friends last year around this time, but I posted for perhaps new friends -- perhaps you. It talks about changing, time never standing still.
It seems to me your reactions are reactions you've had in the past, but that is the past. You need to "form" yourself for the future, and you need to picture in your mind who that person is, what he looks like -- and how he acts. Then first and foremost, you need to pray that the Lord take you by the hand to make you that person, that person you believe HE wants you to be. That's why you chose this vocation, isn't it? Because you believed it is what HE made you for? Then move forward and BECOME that person, with his help. You are not him now, but have faith, he will hold your hand -- if you reach out.
Blessings to you on your journey, my friend.

Jerry-SFO said...

Hi Lee, just found your blogs...I can't imagine having time to post/moderate less a few! I too am an SFO in formation--to be professed on May 16. Stay with it, bro.
Regarding your post. I've had three situations lately that have let to quarrelsome behavior on my part. I had the same feeling of failure you expressed. The thing is, if I wasn't on the SFO spiritual path, the quarrels probably would've been worse, and more thank likely I either would've blown them off, or worse, held a resentment. So, just the simple fact of being aware that this behavior doesn't cut in spiritually for any of us, especially for Franciscans, is a huge step forward. Perhaps you and I didn't fail after all...
Regarding your problems with prayer. I do the Morning Hours; I do so not because it "moves" me spiritually, but with a sense of duty and responsibility as an aspiring SFO...I want to try to abide by the rules of the club, so to speak. Nevertheless, when I want to commune with the divine, I must leave prescribed and/or repetitive prayer (even the Rosary) and simple express gratitute, (give thanks) pray affirmatively over things that concern me, believing all will be well and allowing time for silence to allow the "still, small voice" of spirit to move me to peace and right action. Check it out.
Peace and Good, Jerry

KAM said...

You are not failing! Too strong of a word! The fact that you recognize these faults in yourself is a big start. When we begin to follow Francis we're really just following Our Lord, but now the wide path towards God begins to becomes smaller, while the footsteps of Jesus seem to grow larger! God is molding you, putting you back together after you've broken yourself up for most of your life. (Your not alone. It's happening to all of us.) I'm constantly working on my anger issues, and I know all about the buttons being pushed. I'm a Foreman in a machine shop so it's a bit different for me, but not really. People are people, and we're called to treat everyone as if he/she were Jesus himself standing before us. Not easy at times. (Most times!) I hope I didn't offend you or anything, but I see myself so much in you, where I was, where I am and where we're probably going together. My wife is dealing with many diferent issues right now and she made the observation of this being Holy Week and how we're all focused on the Cross, how apropos that our cross becomes heavier this week. Remember the humbleness and humility of Francis and ask youself, Now what do I do? How can I make ammends? Peace. k

Lee Strong said...

Thank you for your kind and affirming words.