I was reading an article about the soon-to-be ordained permanent deacons for our diocese. It occurred to me that had things gone differently, I might have been a member of this particular class.
I had started the process, but my own sinfulness, my own pride, my own poor decision making, prevented me from pursuing the diaconate. I could have pushed the issue and appealed to Rome, but chose not to. There was hope, but it was not certain.
Maybe the call was not strong enough. Or maybe my own self doubts kept me from trying. Or maybe it was just something that I and not God wanted. Yes, maybe the whole dream was really just my ego.
Since then, I have been able to do other things as a lay person. And my not studying for the diaconate allowed me to enjoy the great blessing of going through the process of formation as a Secular Franciscan and my profession last year. I was able to join Rock of Faith and play music for the Lord. I was able to be active in the 40 Days for Life campaign.
Thank you, Lord, for all that.
But still, there is a part of me that is sad.
I have too much of that.
The impediment that interfered back then still remains, though with the passage of time it might be less of one now. My age, though, would likely be a growing one.
And there are character flaws that I see more clearly now that might prevent me from being a good deacon and a good servant of the church.
So I will content myself with striving to be the best Franciscan that I can be, and thank God for His mercy.
Pax et bonum