Prayer Fear

This morning at men's group we viewed the Catholicism section on prayer - primarily contemplative as explored by Merton, St. John of the Cross, and St. Teresa of Avila - and then talked about it a bit. The contemplative part seemed difficult for most of the men in my group. There was some talk of the rosary and the help it provides, then we drifted off to our own spiritual awakening/return to the faith and how to get young people back to church.

Yeah, we got a bit off topic. But contemplative prayer seemed to intimidate the group.

In the back of my mind I was thinking of something to say, but I didn't.

Contemplative and deep prayer scare me.

I'm too into control, and the few times I've begun to lose myself in prayer I've backed off.

I'm not so much afraid of God and where such prayer might lead me. I'm just too afraid of lost control.

Part of that that is defensive - a sign of the dysfunction in my mind and soul - but I also suspect it has to do with pride. I want to be in control.

And there is also the fear of what God might ask me to do. I've read too many lives of saints.

I keep praying for the healing and the grace I need to let go.

But not too hard.

Pax et bonum