Do You Love Me?

I'm not a big fan of musicals, but one that I like is Fiddler on the Roof. I saw it on Broadway, and I've seen the movie several times. Most recently, I read the text with the songs included. 

As an actor, one of the roles I would have loved to have played is Tevye. Alas, I'm now too old for the part, and I doubt I had the singing and dancing chops needed for the part anyway. If I ever did audition for the musical I would likely have ended up as the Rabbi, Lazar Wolf, or Nahum the beggar.

One of my favorite songs in Fiddler is "Do You Love Me". Tevye Is singing the song with his wife, Golde. He asks her if she loves him, and her response includes the fact that they've been married for 25 years, she's washed his clothes, given him children, milked the cow, fought with him, starved with him, shared her bed with him, etc.

TEVYE: Then you love me?

GOLDE: I suppose I do.

They do love each other. But their love is not just a feeling. It's a choice. That's what love really is. It's a choice made each day. A commitment that is honored. 

Oddly enough, after I finished reading that play, I read another that deals with a marriage, A Doll's House by Henrik Ibsen. 

In that play, there is a troubled marriage between Nora and Helmer. Neither of them is perfect. He tends to be controlling, and also spoils her, treating her like a child. But she is also deceptive, secretive, and child-like. They don't really know or understand each other. But they have been married for eight years and have three children. Without giving away all the details, Nora decides she is leaving him and the children.

She declares that she does not love him, even though he has been kind to her. Despite his pleas and his willingness to try to improve and work at the marriage, she is adamant. 

Helmer says she is betraying her most sacred duty.

NORA: What do you consider that to be?

HELMER: Your duty to your husband and your children - I surely don't have to tell you that!

NORA: I've another duty just as sacred.

HELMER: Nonsense! What duty to you mean?

NORA: My duty towards myself.

Forget others. Forget commitment. Me. It's all about me.

This attitude infects our culture. This selfishness helps to lead people to refuse to commit, to serial short-term sexual relationships, to divorces, to desertions. It is why so many find themselves unable to choose love. Or to find love. Or to understand what love really is.

It's the kind self-love displayed in Elizabeth Gilbert's memoir Eat, Pray, Love - a book I've always referred to as Eat, Prey, Fornicate. Oh, by the way, in real life her selfish sexual adventures left a wake of damaged relationships and individuals.  

As for me, I would rather have the kind of mature love shown by Tevye and Golde.

Pax et bonum