Why Dostoyevsky?

I recently finished rereading The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky. 

Dostoyevsky has long been one of my favorite writers, which, given the personality I project, may seem odd.

His characters tend to be over sensitive, talkative, extremely passionate and demonstrative, and sometimes violent.

I tend to seem quiet, reserved, undemonstrative, and unemotional.

But really, inside I am a Dostoyevsky character. Occasionally, it has come through in uncomfortable ways; I have been violent with things, and, to my shame, twice against people.

So I consciously try to keep the passion in check.

Even still, it comes through. I am subject to bouts of depression. I have made sudden decisions that surprise people. I dropped out of college, dealing with depression and the loss of a someone with whom I was hopelessly in love. I left the seminary over the same woman. I suddenly took a job in a distant city, showing up there even though I knew no one there and had no place to live. I have suddenly quit jobs or cut off friends and other people. I have occasionally spouted things that have gotten me in trouble.

And even when I have kept the passion in check, I tend to let things fester. I linger over perceived slights. I take offense easily. 

Not very healthy, I know. But keeping it in check cuts down on the chance of my hurting others, things, or even myself.

However, as I look back, I see how it has affected my career and my relationships in negative ways.

So as I read Dostoyevsky, I often see myself in his characters. 

That's scary!

Pax et bonum